what the hell is going on in cleveland?

I know that this isn't exactly the first of what is about to become a raging flood of "What's wrong with the LeBrons?" but I figured I would give it a shot anyways. Keep in mind that the term "struggling" is relative: they just lost a 3 game win streak by one point to a solid Bulls team featuring the best second-year guard of a stacked draft class after 'Bron was debatably fouled going to the bucket on the last play of the game. Sure, it's football out there and he really should have finished stronger than that over Joakim freaking Noah, but whatever, they lost.

What we're seeing with the Cavs is indicative of the direction of the league as a whole: they're being royally screwed by Mike Brown's insistence on playing two-and-a-half non-shooters on the floor together for most of the game. Varejao is a nice defensive player, Big Z needs some burn and can step out to around 17 feet without losing *too* much accuracy, Shaq is Shaq, and LeBron is the greatest of all time (and should always be on the court except when he needs to step out into Earth's yellow sun to recharge his energy), but playing three of them together is an open letter imploring the defense to pack three guys into the paint and dare Mo Williams to take the game over. Why is this problematic?

So far the Cavs have seen their FG% (.468 to .436) and PPG (100.3 to 93.5) drop off a cliff while seemingly doing nothing but improve their team in the offseason (Moon, Parker, and Shaq) and coming off a Coach of the Year season for Mike Brown. Although their defense has improved by about two points per game, this is a far cry from the Cavs team last year that beat opponents so viciously that LeBron could routinely sit out the fourth quarter of games and basically act like black Scalabrine. Anecdotally the answer seems pretty obvious: Shaq needs to go.

Unlike his first season in Miami, when the Big Fella opened driving lanes for Wade and flew around the basket like a man possessed (remember that he garnered serious MVP consideration at the time because he was trying so hard to stick it to Kobe and the Lakers for trading him and had gotten off his fat ass and actually conditioned during the offseason--does this come off as bitter?), he's been the cheeseburger in the Cavs' arteries so far this season. Why? Well, to begin with in Miami he played in the frontcourt alongside Udonis Haslem (everyone forgets this now but the Wade/Salvatore's superhuman effort in the '06 finals would have gone for shit if Haslem wasn't making Dirk pay every time he cheated onto Wade or Shaq), who defenses had to at least respect out to the midrange, and who had the athleticism to guard quicker 4s. Debatably: Z has the same range as Udonis but his natural position is closer to the basket, and if you've seen anything this season, you've seen how ridiculous and awful the Ilgauskas-Shaq pairing has been this season.

(Note to the league: pairing two immobile big men NO LONGER WORKS. There's a reason the Knicks were so execrable with Curry and Randolph on the court, and why Portland's ridiculous Oden/Pryzbilla experiment in the playoffs last year culminated in a first round exit.)

So: a whole lot of complaining so far. Here's what needs to get done: STOP TRYING TO LIVE IN THE 90s, MIKE. I know that Mike Brown just lost his offensive coordinator to a division rival, and grew as a coach in the Spurs system when they were destroying the league behind the twin towers of Robinson and Duncan, but show some freaking imagination, please. I'm 95% sure Mike Brown just saw Clueless and wants to talk about "that Alicia Silverstone" with the training staff. Brown should slide LeBron up to the 4, insert Moon into the starting lineup over Varejao, play Shaq and Z in alternating minutes, and insert Varejao when they're really desperate for some D/rebounding/insane Sideshow Bob-style flopping, and basically dare every other team in the league to cover LeBron with their 4. How many 4s can handle his quickness and athleticism? For my money the list starts and stops with KG two years ago, and maybe Odom or Chuck Hayes can funnel him into the center if he's feeling sprightly.

This has two benefits. First: it's going to make the opponent either decide to let LeBron shred them offensively and hope they can make some of it up by punishing him down low (unlikely since he's bigger than half the 4s in the league, and it's rarer and rarer that teams play a back-to-the-basket scorer at that position) or they throw up their hands and play the matchups by inserting two smaller forwards into the game. At this point, the Cavs would rejoice because it means that Shaq and LeBron can now totally control the glass AND because now the other team doesn't have two huge bodies to throw onto Shaq down low. Want to make the Big Fella happy? Let him play one on one the whole game while he's surrounded with shooters and a guard in a linebacker's body. That's the approach Phoenix took last season when Gentry took over, and that resulted in one of the greatest offenses of all time.

Now I'm betting the Cavs snap out of their relative funk in time to start putting together some wins now that Delonte's back (another "what's wrong with the Cavs?" theory is that Delonte handled much of the offense while Mo and Bron were on the bench and they missed his absence more than many realized), but I think that if they even want to sniff last season's ascendancy they're going to have to take some semi-radical steps towards the King's positional redefinition. Shit, if it worked for me in NBA 2k9, it's GOTTA work in real life.

Newly married and better than ever

not so great expectations

well the season is underway and hs brought with it the weirdness that we can expect from the nba. the warriors, bulls, wizards, AND heat have combined for as many wins as the new orleans hornets. now, chris paul is pretty nice and shaq is five shades of washed up, but come ON. this time of year is typically odd though; the bulls literally always suck to open the season and every year there are articles talking about how they're quitting on skiles, or they're in some kind of mysterious decline. please relax america. the bulls will be fine. after the all-star break there will be a million and one articles about how the bulls have turned it around, how they're the hottest team in the league, scott skiles is a genius &c. not to say that i support skiles in any way, shape, or form; i think he's a nazi asshole that has no idea how to run an offense or even to hire someone that does know how to run an offense. that being said, the man can flat out coach defense like it's nobody's business. and that shit is valuable in this league.

(p.s. watch out for tom thibodeau, the lead celtics assistant to get a job next year. by all accounts he's the one behind both the suffocating D the rockets had this year AND the celtics dominance on the defensive end this year.)

speaking of the celtics, they're pretty much obscene. kg is playing like the mvp that we all know he should be yearly. honestly, he kind of scares the shit out of me. he's like a convict let out right into amsterdam or something with $1 million in his bank account. he probably sits at home giggling maniacly rubbing his hands together while the five hookers he's hired are doing blow from the mountain he has covering his dining room table. i realize that i've turned kg into scarface, but at this point he's about five wins in a row away from entering a state of nirvana so profound that he refuses to leave his bed. so my point is the celtics should start sucking soon or else he's going to be way too blissed out to even play basketball. or maybe he just drunk dials kevin mchale all the time and taunts him.

it's kind of gratifying to see a hyped up team of superstars come together so sublimely, especially in boston. there are serious questions in my mind as to whether the celtics or pats will be the first to lose. but seriously, it's good to be able to hate the celtics again is my main concern. combine that with a possible lakers resurgence and you have a pretty solid matchup down the road. more about the lakers tomorrow.

FREE KOBE

first of all, you can stop holding your breath for more team previews. they're not happening. the spurs are going to win it all, the celtics will capture our imagination with the prospect of what a bunch of really well compensated people can do when combined with slightly less well compensated people and a borderline incompetent coach.

"she don't believe in shooting stars but she believe in shoes and cars."
that line applies to kobe pretty perfectly. in this metaphor, he is the nonspecific "she" and "shoes and cars" are wins and championships. but you knew that already. honestly, the lakers are kind of fucked beyond all repair as far as i can see. they aren't terrifically good at defense and they seriously fell apart down the stretch once they stopped playing 80% of their games at home and people started getting injured. accepted: the injuries could have something to do with all the bed-shitting that went on later in the season. not accepted: that they were any better than a 45-win team.

so kobe is trapped in this kind of untenable situation with an absolutely fucked decision making hierarchy (apparently mitch kupchak was ready to pull the trigger to get j-kidd but JIM buss, the son of JERRY buss who is apparently soft in the head regarding andrew bynum [jim, not jerry] blocked the deal from going through because of the aforementioned mancrush. not to say that bynum won't become a fantastic nba center, but if getting the second best pg in basketball is your option and it doubles as a way to keep the best player in the lig happy, then you have to kind of do that.) he's being a little petulant with his trade demands, &c. but i think it's a safe bet that he won't actively tank like certain players/teams to get traded but he might. the point is that the last banner has been hung in LA for probably a long time and he's woken up to that fact, especially since the last few drafts have been potential-focused. crittenton and farmar and bynum will all be good pros and turiaf already is one, but those are players that require patience to pan out.

kobe wants to win NOW, preferably in chicago where he can show people that FUCK JORDAN and he's the best ever. i hope he does. i hope he gets traded to a really great situation and wins championships for the rest of his career. it would be a travesty to throw away the rest of his career on a perpetually average team that's built by nincompoops. the lakes are all set to be a very average team for the next decade unless bynum becomes a monster--WHICH COULD HAPPEN given a few more years. but since kobe wants to win now, he should go ahead. or the lakers should trade for andre iguodala and let him become exactly scottie pippen.

actually, fuck kobe. he should stick around through the tough times too. the lakers stood by him when he "raped" a girl, he should stick around for a few seasons until bynum sees his potential realized. shit, maybe they can get lucky with crittenton, or radmanovic could turn into a good player in phil's offense, or they can magically get andrei kirilenko (who's a better fit for this team than odom anyways) for lamar odom, and then they would be real live contenders. just because lebron had a videogames season against some subpar competition he wants to jump ship? shit kobe, ever heard of a challenge? honestly, you can PUNCH STEVE KERR LIKE MJ DID and that shit will be ok. you're that good, and maybe you need to knock down sasha vujacic so he can start hitting jumpers or just bounce back to europe.

i love kobe, i love watching him play, and i hope he can work out his shit and stick around to watch the lakes become good again. but if he can't, then bite a dick and get out of my life. i'll still watch all his games though.

Orlando Magic team preview

the orlando magic made THE high profile acquisition of the offseason when they paid what some would consider silly money to rashard lewis. he gives some scoring punch to a team that was sorely lacking perimeter offense before the signing. but the magic counteracted that one positive move with a plethora of offseason silliness that could negate the effectiveness of their addition entirely. want some evidence? just check out espn's proposed depth chart for your orlando magic:

1. jameer nelson: no problem there. a bit of a shoot-first point guard that seems to have an issue actually seeing his open teammates and hitting them with the rock, but he's a solid nba player.
2. hedo turkoglu: now, let's ignore the fact that he's 6'10" for a second and look at his game. he likes to spot up and shoot, is a poor rebounder for his size, doesn't play good defense, and can't bang in the low post. well, that would be fine if the magic didn't sign a slightly better version of him to a $110 million contract. add into that the fact that he's 6'10" and he can't even keep up with small forwards and if the magic really start him at sg there are going to be serious defensive issues. now, normally a team would just look down its depth chart and find someone else suitable, but their numbers 2-4 options are keyon dooling--who sucks--jj redick--who might not suck, but didn't do ANYTHING when he played last year--and trevor ariza--who is much more suited to playing sf. now, their best option seems to be redick, but are they really prepared to have a total of zero people that play perimiter defense in their starting lineup?
3. rashard lewis: he's a terrific shooter that can't rebound or play defense to save his life. he was just signed to one of the richest contracts in nba history. the thing that makes the most sense is to play him at the 4, get a couple of jumping jacks who can hit threes for the 2 and 3 and run until somebody passes out. i get the feeling the magic won't do that because their point guard can't for one, and because their management sucks for two.
4. dwight howard: he's quite simply a beast. pretty much uncontainable on the blocks when he can showcase his strength and also possessed of bounce for literal days--observe his dunk contest sticker dunk and also the picture of him putting his chin at rim level. he's not really a guy you can throw the ball into just yet, but given a few more years or a more creative point guard/head coach and there's no reason to think he can't be the young, healthy amare.
5. adonal foyle: league leader in thoughtful poetry, horrendous contracts, and overall darkness. there's no way he should be starting for an nba team. but then the mavs went to the finals with a tag team of diop and dampier so i guess anything is possible.

i know people are all hot-and-bothered about stan van gundy being the head coach, but he was working with championship level talent in miami and wasn't doing all that great. quite simply, they will not be able to overcome their conspicuous lack of anybody that can even pretend to play the 2 and will probably find themselves on the outside of the playoffs looking in once again.

Philadelphia 76ers team preview

well now that AI is gone the real healing can begin. it's weird that in the summer after they traded the face of the franchise to make a move towards younger, better players they made no real concerted effort to bring people in to help the rebuilding effort. now, call me crazy, but andre miller is not the ideal player around which to build your team. or even to have on your team when you're rebuilding.

he's a nice player; a point that can push the rock in transition and hit the open man and who doesn't dominate the ball like his predecessor, but he's old or getting there. how much longer will he be able to maintain even his present level of effectiveness? the smart money is on about 1-2 more years before he starts to hit a serious wall when he reaches about age 32 or 33.

iggy, or the second AI, is not exactly the type of person that i want to build my empire around either. he's a good finisher with a moderately effective offensive game that's also a lockdown defender. really nice player that could be fantastic in a few years, but he's the type of person you throw next to steve nash and jason kidd and watch him morph into richard jefferson but better, not the guy you throw out there and expect him to get buckets for you nightly. sure, he'll do it for a while, but he's more of a complimentary than a franchise player. ironically, iverson could have been a good mate for him, but ivey grew up so much without anyone else viable on offense that he ignored what he had.

at this point, the upside for iggy is that he turns into scottie pippen. by that i mean that's his high cieling that he would have to practically take a helicopter to, but that's who he could become. maybe a pairing with kobe makes some degree of sense, but unless the lakers trade bynum and their next 1,000,000 first rounders i don't see anything like that happening.

as is, the 6ers will putter along at the bottom half of the atlantic and maybe score some high draft picks in the next few years, but with billy king running the show i have a feeling we'll see an extension along the lines of willie greens' before we see the 76ers win another atlantic division championship. more so than any other team, i think they're just boned.

Phoenix Suns team preview

this is going to be hard, since pmac is perhaps the world's biggest suns fan. but let me say that until the suns acquire a LOT more depth--and stop relying so much on their top 7--there is not an nba championship on their horizon. understand that saying that is drawing a little piece out of my soul; the suns were part of the kindling that combined to create the fire that is my passion for the association. steve nash was a revelation to all of us when he first stepped on the court for PHX and continues to be whenever he tosses a wraparound pass that hits STAT in the breadbasket.

before we get too carried away with how awesome the suns are--and they're awesome and cool and fun and i love watching them--they didn't do shit to improve themselves this offseason. sure, grant hill and alando tucker are nice players but how many games will hill play? 30? 40? 50? unless he seriously bucks a trend and keeps his knees and ankles healthy for the entire season, then the suns will again be in the position of relying on very few players to produce a lot. their rotation shakes down to: amare, diaw, marion, nash, raja, leandrinho, hill, and maybe some combination of tucker, skinner, or dj strawberry if he pulls his shit together.

basically their championship hopes rest on the fact that MAYBE marcus banks finds the ability to spell nash for long stretches of time and MAYBE alando tucker turns into someone that can play 25 minutes a game to rest hill for the playoffs and MAYBE diaw regains his 2005-6 form and can give them a viable option off the bench for their front court and MAYBE they avoid the injury bug for another season. now that's a lot of maybes, and even if everything falls into place for them and d'antoni can work a 9-man rotation without stepping on anyone's toes and maintaining effectiveness for the entire season then they have a shot.

i almost feel like they would be better off sacrificing some wins for greater playoff aptitude. if they can bring everyone into the playoffs rested and healthy, wouldn't they be better off winning only 50 games and coming in as the fourth seed? nobody in the pacific division will even smell 50 wins unless kobe discovers the technology necessary to clone himself so he can play all five spots on the floor or boom dizzle stays healthy long enough for the warriors to run and gun their way there. that being said, why not sacrifice a few games so the chief characters have the legs for the ones that count?

the spurs operate on a similar principle; they always start slow because they regulate minutes and pop is willing to work deep deep into his bench even if it is not playing particularly well. it costs them some regular season games to be sure, but those banners hang forever and they do not list regular season record on them.

my thinking is the suns cop 60 wins again, run into a buzzsaw spurs team in the western conference finals and make the series close and entertaining, but ultimately fall short again. at some point, either sarver is going to have to pay the luxury tax or steve kerr will have to do some seriously shady trades to pull them over the hump. as it is, they need about 1-2 more quality players and d'antoni has to commit to playing them even at the expense of a few wins in december.