CRISTAL ANNIVERSARY

because traditional anniversary gifts only go up to 60 years, i had to create my own special gift to give all ten of you loyal readers. guess what? IT'S A BLOG POST!

you can drop the balloons now.

for the 100th post spectacular (yes there are 100 according to blogger, and no i have not done the research myself) i had it in my head to do a kind of greatest hits, in which i would pull top-flight and also really awful quotes and predictions from the previous 99 posts (which admittedly include one post that's entirely video and one post that's entirely pictures of chris bosh next to raptors--which also doubles as the only post made by the ethereal pmac.) HOWEVER, that would be a lot of work, and something that i want somebody else to do for me. so: anyone that wants to dig through the lamar blogom back catalogue and find some gems and disasters is welcome to do so. and i will post your findings giving you full or no credit.

also, as we reach the 100th post i'd like to place a call out for tee designs. if you have any skill at all with drawing things or know somebody that does, drop me a line of some kind and we'll talk.

and as a third item, tomorrow will begin the semi-official countdown to october 30th during which i will profile every single national basketball association team. even the celtics again! rejoice.

the most lamar blogom nba players, with accompanying paragraphs:

10. eddie griffin

now that he's gone he's cemented this spot possibly for posterity. his aura and ability will be missed sorely in the association. i wanted desperately to see him succeed at basketball. to see eddie griffin rollicking down the lane on a steve nash- or jason kidd- or even chris paul-led break would have been a joy to see, especially considering that in doing so he would have beaten a lifetime of serious psychological problems. yeah, i know he was on the nets. and i wish he was on my hometown lakers so i could have insane fights with the people bashing him which would result in me never talking to the troubled eddie griffin bashers.

9. leandro barbosa

he is a one-stop shop for all your scoring needs. blessed with a deadly outside shot and intense quickness, he is one of my favorite players to watch--provided he's not playing against the hometown lakers. whenever anything happens and he is on the court, he can affect the game just with his speed. if there is a defensive rebound, you can count on him being the first one down the floor with his vaguely hunched-over gait. the way he scores, in such a naturalistic way based ONLY on his speed and shooting ability as opposed to the virtuosity of kobe bean or melo anthony or agent zero is a pretty sight to behold. even though he can't make the suns run like his white running mate can, he can score in bunches. (except when kobe is locking him down.)

8. stephon marbury

WELL he didn't used to be one of the most lamar blogom players. but as has probably been said in countless teen movies: one summer can definitely change everything. let me take that bacl; i have written one fairly angry post defending him in the wake of some neophytes attending a summer camp at northwestern bashing him. but when he starts doing borderline crazy interviews during which he almost answers his cell phone, he has a spot on my list. combine that with $15 shoes THAT HE WEARS ON THE COURT and a newfound win-or-die attitude: "i shoot to win because i shoot to win," that should result in at least a 45-win team when combined with z-bo and some other offensive threats. i look forward to how his newfound freewheeling attitude will translate to the court. will he become the best pg in the nba, like he once claimed?

7. josh smith

j-smoove is seriously awesome. he has bounce for literally days. athleticism for weeks. and also he's really cool to play with in nba 2k7. if you think that doesn't translate into somebody being more lamar blogom, you just don't know lamar blogom. he's really really really hard to see play because let's face it: the hawks just are not on national tv. and also he plays the lakers maybe twice per year so it's not like he's even on local tv. so my pretty much only exposure to j-smoove is through the xbox 360. but he's so awesome to play with in video form that i have a perhaps unhealthily high idea of his abilities. also: he was the starting pf on the first lamar blogom team. well, the only lamar blogom team. so there's that.

6. dwight howard

now if you thought j-smoove had bounce, you have not seen this manchild in action. he can jump more than any 7-footer that i have seen play live basketball, with the possibly exception of ryan hollins who can apparently dunk off of two feet from the damn free throw line. there's sometime rawly appealing about his game. he does not have a wee bit of polish. literally if he was any skinnier he would be a total bust along the lines of stromile swift. shit, he might be the utopian vision of what stro swift could have been with like 100 extra pounds of pure horse muscle. i think that i'm actually going to hate him once he acquires some subtlety to the way he plays basketball. or maybe it could be a kind of fatherly affection; i've seen my little baby all growed up and now he's dominating fools both with his power and with his technique.

5. baron davis

there is literally nothing on the basketball court that he cannot do. he can score it inside and out, dunk on andrei kirilenko with a vengeance that leaves beatrix kiddo looking like a limp-wristed teenybopper fawning over john mayer. his bullet-fedora'd championing of the high octane warriors through the playoff made him a personal hero of mine and a large percentage of nba fans. i also love him for his limitations. his physical health is in constant doubt every time he puts sneaker to hardwood. shit, he couldn't even practice during the playoff run. but when he's on the court and not crippling himself with a propensity for 3 chucking he can ball, straight up and down. even if he's not really a pure point, he can score among the best of them and also handle a team fairly competently. nellieball freaks unite.

4. steve nash

goddamn. even though i resent him every time he plays against the lakers, which is quite a lot, he is a maestro on the basketball court. to this day, one of my favorite performances of all time is his absolute dismantling of the cavs on national television. literally every time he ran down the court--no longer brushing his traditional bangs out of his eyes--something fairly magical was about to happen. whether he would shake amare free for a sickening, back breaking dunk or finding matrix in the corner for a wide-open 3, he did so with an artistic flair. he has a freewheeling style with no fear of turning over the rock and so makes passes that don't even seem remotely logical when they are first generated. however, upon their completion, they are some of the most beautiful things you will see on the basketball court.

3. gilbert AgentZero arenas

agent zero is stephon marbury and baron davis combined and taken to dizzying heights. everything that i've said about them applies doubly to the erstwhile hibachi. he makes outlandish predictions, storms away from game winning shots midflight scowling at the opposing bench, and takes money from his teammates in perhaps unreasonable shooting contests. even during a "serious" event like the 3-point shootout, he's still playing the clown and shooting threes with one damn hand. he's a gifted scorer that can even kind of distribute the rock on occasion if he wants to as evidenced by his teammates' scoring averages. he's probably the second best scorer in the league behind the second player on the list:

2. kobe bean bryant

what can i say about kobe that hasn't already been said about zeus? he's a god among men, can throw lightning bolts, and has a history of troubling sexual behavior. zeus turned himself into a goose, kobe banged a white girl in a colorado hotel. he was the subject of the first ever lamar blogom post, which actually came before the official inception of lamar blogom. in essence, he could be described as responsible for the creation of this blog. i long for the day when he can be paired with a player that will accentuate his talents and bring him once again to the glory that is the larry o'brien trophy. he might never reach those hallowed halls again, but lord willin by the time he retires he will have at least 2 mvps, a few more finals appearances, and the recognition of everyone as one of the top 3 most gifted scorers ever to play basketball.

1. lamar odom

well, he's the namesake. so maybe he should be disqualified. but that's not how i roll. he literally embodies everything about this blog. he is multitalented: he can score it, pass it, rebound it, and--judging by his earlier career--smoke it too. i love him because he has never been on a true winner. i love him because he might never have that opportunity. and i love him because he has the potential to be a truly good player. he was on pace to become an all-star in the incredibly crowded western conference forward rotation. then he messed up his shoulder and the lakers season went into the toilet. people forget this, but he could have made the lakers into a semi-special team could he and every other injured player stayed healthy. there's always next season.

bonus feature: chocolate thunder

Drop it like it's hot

Is it just me or are medics across both nations working serious overtime these days:

• Bosh goes out indefinetly 8 days ago with a knee injury. He is apparently back practicing
• TMac is walking around with his annual back injury. Out indefinetly since the 12th.
• Lamar has a well-documented issue with his knee.
• The Big Chinese Person fractures his medial tibial plateau. Not his knee, as Uncle Tim points out. Gone for 6 weeks.
• Monta Ellis, Yay Area hero, hurts his shoulder in last night's game.
• Josh Smith has hernia surgery, gone for four weeks.
• Nenad Krstic shreds his anterior cruciate ligament. Done for the year.
• Sam.i.am w/plantar fasciitis, could sit out a few games.

In a related note, have a very Merry Xmas watching the G.O.A.T. duking it out with Public Enemy #1.

EDIT: Observe Dan le Batard's excellent profile on KB24. More on that later.

Stand up and give thanks

Lamar Blogom celebrates its first Thanksgiving with a feast fit for a king. The seazon has so far yielded bountiful treasures with the promise of many more to come. So, we list 24 things that we are thankful for:

1. Andrew Bynum becoming Big Pussy and flashing strands of future greatness.
2. ATLanta proving that you can win games with a roster of only people 6'7" or 6'8".
3. The Heat collapsing in on themselves like some kind of aging supernova.
4. Starbury's Starburies.
5. Nate Robinson swatting Yao Ming.
6. Yao Ming, best center in the league.
7. Kevin Garnett, tortured soul in search of absolution.
8. Amare's return.
9. Josh Smith.
10. Gerald Wallace.
11. Brendan Haywood's favorite movie is Coming to America.
12. CP3 and Weezy F. Baby bringing back the N.O.
13. Chris Bosh making game winning 3s.
14. Don Nelson taking over the Yay Area.
15. Monta Ellis.
16. Jerry Sloan fashioning a sleek new version of Old School.
17. Kaveman's hair.
18. TMac is healthy.
19. Darko (almost) dominant.
20. Grant Hill's ankles are intact.
21. Mamba's newfound efficiency.
22. JR Smith, NBA starter.
23. Ron Ron is still playing.
    
24. Lamar Odom beginning to fathom his own depths.
    

Fix What Ails Ya

The ATL makes up for its constant musical rennaissance by being somewhat of a dead spot for professional sports--at least of late. The Braves saw their million year run as objects of dominance come to a crashing close, Mike Vick alternates athletic ascendancy with moments of purest trash, and the Hawks have fallen like stones ever since the Human Highlight Reel took his talents elsewhere.

Here at Lamar Blogom, we do not concern ourselves with the trivialities of baseball or football (and certainly not hockey or NASCAR). That leaves one possible topic of discussion; the STATlanta Hawks.
The Hawks represent an interesting paradox--nearly everyone on their roster is between the heights of 6'5" and 6'9", which includes the mean NBA height. (I think its somewhere around 6'6", just below 6'7".) The point is that their roster is composed entirely of the type of slasher/banger that so defines what is good and pure about NBA basketball. Unfortunately, the Hawks have found that with a roster with such a unique composition that competition in this NBA is damn near impossible. Three times in the last three years, they have floundered somewhere below mediocracy, with only small steps toward achieving that legitimacy that every organization strives for. Yes, even the Knicks.

Yes, they have screamed out the gate like a damn freight train this year, with Joe Johnson behaving like a latter day Kobe, Josh Smith getting his freak on (I recommend searching "Josh Smith putback" on YouTube and observing the majesty), and Speedy ClaxTron holding shit down from the point guard position. But we must ask ourselves how long they can keep up the kind of breakneck pace typically reserved for future NBA champions.

But, we came here to bury Caesar, not to praise him. So begins the season, now find out how it should continue.The Hawks need to completely revolutionize three spots on their roster: PG, PF, and C. They must cast down Shelden Williams, Zaza Pachulia, and relegate the ClaxTron to the bench where he belongs. The changes I am about to lay out are not easy, nor should the be construed as such. Rather, they are the type of high-risk, high-reward manuevers that Belkin et. al. should be engaging in right about now.



#1: Get Shaun Livingston.

I said this shit wasn't gonna be easy, and this is certainly the least easy of any of the suggestions I'm laying out. It is, however, the most significant. In acquiring Livingston, the Hawks would be getting themselves a dude who knows how to distribute, knows how to run, and knows how to be a physical freak. Dude is a 6'7" PG, which molds perfectly with the stringent characteristics required for future Hawkdom. To get him, it's probably gonna cost an unprotected 1st rounder and a valuable piece. They should do it at the drop of the hat--he would give their offense purpose and direction by his very existence on the floor. Also, he's 6'7". Ridiculous.

#2: Lay hands on J.R. Smith.
This facet of their plan will be significantly easier than part no. 1. Smith has a rep as a undisciplinable free spirit obsessed with his own stats and tossing down incredible dunks. In reality, most of this is probably true, but the Hawks should pair him up with the man who could very well be his brother in disguise. In the process, they'll fuck up anybody even moderately confused at the distinction between JSmoove and J.R. Also, they grab someone fairly deadly from 3, someone who flies out the building, and someone else who's 6'7". Start him alongside Shaun, Joe, Josh, and the Center to be Named Later or bring his bad self off the bench, he will bring another superathletic, young body to terrify the other team with.


#3: The Center Position
There's some debate circling about Lamar Blogom HQ about how exactly they should solve their woes at the 5 spot. The list is down to 5 candidates (appropriately):

1. Tyrus Thomas
2. Stromile Swift
3. Boris Diaw
4. Lamar Odom
5. Chris Wilcox

Each has their own special strengths and flaws. Of the set, Stro would be the easiest to come by. He, however, brings a rep for being a big softy and not praciticing hard enough to make a tangible difference in a game. If the Hawks can harness his multifarious talents, they would have a testament to the athleticism of the human body on their hands.

They could go in another direction, acquiring a toolsy amoeba-type like Diaw or Odom to hold down the middle. These two both have the skillset to distribute the ball, set screens, rebound, and occaisionally score their own selves when the time comes. I know Diaw used to be a Hawk. Bad on them, and they should try their damndest to wring him away from the Suns.

If they fail in all of these quests except the one for Swift, they may consider it a victory if they can harness his considerable talents into a being that bangs on the offensive end of the floor, swats on the defensive end, and generally is just a complete badass.

Wave of Mutilation

Small Forwards are incapable of deciding a game of basketball. Since Larry Legend, none of the swingmen have done anything but flail helplessly at the monolith of guards and centers. While SFs are often praised for their versatility, that same versatility also condemns them to the life of an outsider--never intimately wrapped up in the outcome of the game. The ghetto of the swingman is one near impossible to break out of. If one does, one does it in style.

On to the next two of my Starting Five.

SF: Gerald Wallace

A ghetto superstar if there ever was one. G Walls was dumped unceremoniously on the Bobcats by the Sacto Kings after he failed to develop as they thought he might.

There, he blossomed into a dunking and occasionally shotblocking force at the SF spot, finally reaching a more perfect state in 2005-6 season. His offensive game has matured to the point of illness, his defensive game on its way.

His dunks have some of the power of Nique, along with some of his explosiveness to and from the ball. If he ever harnesses his physical power more than he has now, watch out.

PF: Josh Smith

He's techinically an SF, but then what the hell do positions mean anyways?

Smith is raw power embodied--his dunks are the most vicious since Shawn Kemp. He is still figuring out how to play the game though.

One night he might block five shots, dunk the ball six times, and make the opposing coach cry twice, but the next he could slip down into the oblivion that has occupied Small Forwarddom since Legend and Nique hung up their spikes.

He will fit into this squad's tempo perfectly, and give us another crazy person to hammer down dunks on unsuspecting opposition.

The Week(s) the Earth Stood Still

Marquis: Gone.
J.R. Smith: Gone.
Ben Wallace: A Bull.
Tyson Chandler and Peja Stojakovic: Hornets.

Simmons dropped a vintage performance today, mad love for this man's inclusion:

It's getting to be that he is perhaps the only soldier left in this increasingly maddening war.

The trades and signings have been nothing if not baffling. The Bulls sign a fading Ben Wallace, then flip his equally skilled, newly found teammate to the Hornets for a FreeDarko soldier and a washed-up vet with an $8 milly contract.

The Mavericks, no doubt flush with the quality minutes Keith Van Horn supplied them in the NBA Finals (Note: Jokes) swapped Marquis Daniels for AUSTIN MOTHERFUCKING CROSHERE.

Don't get it twisted; Croshere is a wonderful person I'm sure, but how many times does one of the premier young slashing guards in the Lig come knocking on your door, only to be sent to languish in the midst of cattle and sheep while you revel in the expiringness of his replacement's contract?

Yes, maybe I am a little bitter the Lakers didn't trade for him. So, what?

Here's hoping the Hornets are launched into an ecstasy of success, led by Chris Paul and Tyson Chandler. I only wish JR was there to see it.