Orlando Magic team preview

the orlando magic made THE high profile acquisition of the offseason when they paid what some would consider silly money to rashard lewis. he gives some scoring punch to a team that was sorely lacking perimeter offense before the signing. but the magic counteracted that one positive move with a plethora of offseason silliness that could negate the effectiveness of their addition entirely. want some evidence? just check out espn's proposed depth chart for your orlando magic:

1. jameer nelson: no problem there. a bit of a shoot-first point guard that seems to have an issue actually seeing his open teammates and hitting them with the rock, but he's a solid nba player.
2. hedo turkoglu: now, let's ignore the fact that he's 6'10" for a second and look at his game. he likes to spot up and shoot, is a poor rebounder for his size, doesn't play good defense, and can't bang in the low post. well, that would be fine if the magic didn't sign a slightly better version of him to a $110 million contract. add into that the fact that he's 6'10" and he can't even keep up with small forwards and if the magic really start him at sg there are going to be serious defensive issues. now, normally a team would just look down its depth chart and find someone else suitable, but their numbers 2-4 options are keyon dooling--who sucks--jj redick--who might not suck, but didn't do ANYTHING when he played last year--and trevor ariza--who is much more suited to playing sf. now, their best option seems to be redick, but are they really prepared to have a total of zero people that play perimiter defense in their starting lineup?
3. rashard lewis: he's a terrific shooter that can't rebound or play defense to save his life. he was just signed to one of the richest contracts in nba history. the thing that makes the most sense is to play him at the 4, get a couple of jumping jacks who can hit threes for the 2 and 3 and run until somebody passes out. i get the feeling the magic won't do that because their point guard can't for one, and because their management sucks for two.
4. dwight howard: he's quite simply a beast. pretty much uncontainable on the blocks when he can showcase his strength and also possessed of bounce for literal days--observe his dunk contest sticker dunk and also the picture of him putting his chin at rim level. he's not really a guy you can throw the ball into just yet, but given a few more years or a more creative point guard/head coach and there's no reason to think he can't be the young, healthy amare.
5. adonal foyle: league leader in thoughtful poetry, horrendous contracts, and overall darkness. there's no way he should be starting for an nba team. but then the mavs went to the finals with a tag team of diop and dampier so i guess anything is possible.

i know people are all hot-and-bothered about stan van gundy being the head coach, but he was working with championship level talent in miami and wasn't doing all that great. quite simply, they will not be able to overcome their conspicuous lack of anybody that can even pretend to play the 2 and will probably find themselves on the outside of the playoffs looking in once again.

Philadelphia 76ers team preview

well now that AI is gone the real healing can begin. it's weird that in the summer after they traded the face of the franchise to make a move towards younger, better players they made no real concerted effort to bring people in to help the rebuilding effort. now, call me crazy, but andre miller is not the ideal player around which to build your team. or even to have on your team when you're rebuilding.

he's a nice player; a point that can push the rock in transition and hit the open man and who doesn't dominate the ball like his predecessor, but he's old or getting there. how much longer will he be able to maintain even his present level of effectiveness? the smart money is on about 1-2 more years before he starts to hit a serious wall when he reaches about age 32 or 33.

iggy, or the second AI, is not exactly the type of person that i want to build my empire around either. he's a good finisher with a moderately effective offensive game that's also a lockdown defender. really nice player that could be fantastic in a few years, but he's the type of person you throw next to steve nash and jason kidd and watch him morph into richard jefferson but better, not the guy you throw out there and expect him to get buckets for you nightly. sure, he'll do it for a while, but he's more of a complimentary than a franchise player. ironically, iverson could have been a good mate for him, but ivey grew up so much without anyone else viable on offense that he ignored what he had.

at this point, the upside for iggy is that he turns into scottie pippen. by that i mean that's his high cieling that he would have to practically take a helicopter to, but that's who he could become. maybe a pairing with kobe makes some degree of sense, but unless the lakers trade bynum and their next 1,000,000 first rounders i don't see anything like that happening.

as is, the 6ers will putter along at the bottom half of the atlantic and maybe score some high draft picks in the next few years, but with billy king running the show i have a feeling we'll see an extension along the lines of willie greens' before we see the 76ers win another atlantic division championship. more so than any other team, i think they're just boned.

Phoenix Suns team preview

this is going to be hard, since pmac is perhaps the world's biggest suns fan. but let me say that until the suns acquire a LOT more depth--and stop relying so much on their top 7--there is not an nba championship on their horizon. understand that saying that is drawing a little piece out of my soul; the suns were part of the kindling that combined to create the fire that is my passion for the association. steve nash was a revelation to all of us when he first stepped on the court for PHX and continues to be whenever he tosses a wraparound pass that hits STAT in the breadbasket.

before we get too carried away with how awesome the suns are--and they're awesome and cool and fun and i love watching them--they didn't do shit to improve themselves this offseason. sure, grant hill and alando tucker are nice players but how many games will hill play? 30? 40? 50? unless he seriously bucks a trend and keeps his knees and ankles healthy for the entire season, then the suns will again be in the position of relying on very few players to produce a lot. their rotation shakes down to: amare, diaw, marion, nash, raja, leandrinho, hill, and maybe some combination of tucker, skinner, or dj strawberry if he pulls his shit together.

basically their championship hopes rest on the fact that MAYBE marcus banks finds the ability to spell nash for long stretches of time and MAYBE alando tucker turns into someone that can play 25 minutes a game to rest hill for the playoffs and MAYBE diaw regains his 2005-6 form and can give them a viable option off the bench for their front court and MAYBE they avoid the injury bug for another season. now that's a lot of maybes, and even if everything falls into place for them and d'antoni can work a 9-man rotation without stepping on anyone's toes and maintaining effectiveness for the entire season then they have a shot.

i almost feel like they would be better off sacrificing some wins for greater playoff aptitude. if they can bring everyone into the playoffs rested and healthy, wouldn't they be better off winning only 50 games and coming in as the fourth seed? nobody in the pacific division will even smell 50 wins unless kobe discovers the technology necessary to clone himself so he can play all five spots on the floor or boom dizzle stays healthy long enough for the warriors to run and gun their way there. that being said, why not sacrifice a few games so the chief characters have the legs for the ones that count?

the spurs operate on a similar principle; they always start slow because they regulate minutes and pop is willing to work deep deep into his bench even if it is not playing particularly well. it costs them some regular season games to be sure, but those banners hang forever and they do not list regular season record on them.

my thinking is the suns cop 60 wins again, run into a buzzsaw spurs team in the western conference finals and make the series close and entertaining, but ultimately fall short again. at some point, either sarver is going to have to pay the luxury tax or steve kerr will have to do some seriously shady trades to pull them over the hump. as it is, they need about 1-2 more quality players and d'antoni has to commit to playing them even at the expense of a few wins in december.

Portland Trail Blazers team preview

the greg oden saga could turn out to make portland into a superpower if he recovers fully. picture this: if they finish with the worst record in the western conference (which is very possible since they lost their best player from last year for channing frye, who is almost exactly the same player as lamarcus aldrige, minus about 15% effectiveness)--and barring the timberwolves nobody can claim to challenge them for potential to absolutely suck for the entire season--then they could end up with a top-5 pick to pair with oden, aldrige, brandon roy, and whomever else. yes, you heard me right.

o.j. mayo or derrick rose or some other sickeningly good player could be playing with that group. and that, my friends, equals multiple western conference championships down the road so long as they're not coached by a total monkey (or del harris who might make the monkey look pretty damn good.)

(random del harris side note: his kid used to play in the same rec league i was in except a few years younger than me. and the kids mom used to coach the team and del would always be sitting on the parents side of the gym watching the team. this was when he was unemployed by the lakers or any other organization, and about two years after winning coach of the year. and i always wondered: why not take over your kid's team? the other kids would get to say they got coached by the fucking coach of the year at about 8 years of age and you could prove that you weren't such a chode after all. but then that might have led to some seriously damaged self-confidence should your team ever lose a game. but then again, the five minute substitution rules might have suited del because, hey, that's what he did in the NBA anyways. also, mitch kupchak is pretty much always watching his kid play basketball too at the same rec center.)

but as for this year, the blazers are almost completely boned in the behind. where is the offense going to come from on this team? last year they relied on tossing the ball into crazy zach randolph on the low block. and while his sanity has been questioned (my favorite example of this is when in a glowing espn the magazine article, his high school coach said something to the effect of: "any day that i open the paper and i don't read that zach is in jail i thank god" really a ringing endorsement if you axe me) his ability to score in the low block never has. pretty much they could be guarandamnteed that he would at the very least draw a double team and toss it out to roy who would knock down a jumper or whatever. now, they have no legit post threat and no real perimiter scoring outside of roy. don't give me any guff about aldrige or frye as one or the other will have to be matched up on a center who will absolutely manhandle them on both ends of the floor and neither had much of a back to the basket game either.

as it is, maybe maybe maybe martell webster or travis outlaw will step up to give some scoring punch but given their past, we can consider that highly unlikely. also: they were among the hardest team to watch last season and this season they're also devoid of any compelling reason to turn in save to watch nate mcmillan cry into his hands as they lose 18-straight.

they literally personify "wait till next year." and oh, what a next year it will be.

Sacramento Kings team preview

the kings are highlighted by one wildly overrated player, two mildly overrated players, and one insanely underrated player. you can choose from this list:

1. mike bibby


2. ron artest


3. brad miller


4. kevin martin

i guess everyone realizes how ridiculously bad brad miller has gotten over these past few years; he used to be a passing wizard with a decent shooting touch and a very succesful technical post game. he was, however, hamstrung by his lack of athleticism and general whiteness. the kings have kind of replicated his skills--or lack thereof--by nabbing aaron gray, another slow white dude that has all the hops of a bulldog.

kevin martin, on the other hand, scores for literal days despite the goofiest looking j this side of the matrix. he shoots a silly percentage, doesn't dominate the ball, and is almost impossible to double team because he's so quick once he gets his paws on it. he's exactly the type of player people love when they're talking about a second option because he can score without taking the high volume of shots that someone like flip murray or earl boykins needs.

that's really valuable because of the nominal top-2 options on the kings. the ron artest-mike bibby tandem could be the single most overrated in basketball. until people realize that bibby was basically a creation of rick adelman and benefitted by having a sickeningly good supporting cast, he will continue to confuse defenders only with his ethnicity and not with any kind of basketball moves. (in a serious note, what the hell is he exactly? his dad is kind of black. kind of.)

ron ron, who was the subject of a pretty admiring post over here a while back, has devolved into a kind of talented sinkhole where he doesn't realize that he might not want to take awful, contested shots every time down the court. maybe if he stuck to his strengths--defending every position and knocking down jumpers when walmart (that's what we're calling kevin martin since kmart has been taken by kenyon) and mike "black?" bibby aren't getting to the basket.

shit, if theus can get everyone to do that, they could have the ingredients necessary for a solid team that barely misses the playoffs. maybe if he does that and squeezes a good season out of the miller/gray whiteness tandem they could sneak into the 8th spot but beyond that i don't know. also, he's imposing a curfew. yeah, right.

The First in a Series of Season Preview Chats Between the Two Creators

BOBDUCK: ay: let's make t-shirts

PMAC: shawn marions face

PMAC: thats it

PMAC: somehow that represents it

BOBDUCK: lamar fucking odom nukk

BOBDUCK: shawn is good

BOBDUCK: lamar is basically a deity though

PMAC: too bad amare flies

PMAC: literally

PMAC: dude got wings

BOBDUCK: lamar do

PMAC: should call him hermes

BOBDUCK: i know

BOBDUCK: that dude kind of more like achilles

PMAC: tro

BOBDUCK: dino thug is my 2nd favorite of 2003

BOBDUCK: darko being #1

PMAC: haha

PMAC: melo? bron bron?

PMAC: WADE

PMAC: your boy

BOBDUCK: wade is far from my homey

PMAC: i know

BOBDUCK: melo and bron bron are my homeys

BOBDUCK: but darko is my homey

PMAC: hes kinda fake tho

BOBDUCK: homey is literally g

PMAC: to be honest i aint that amped

BOBDUCK: he's legit diaw-steez

BOBDUCK: in terms of breakouts

BOBDUCK: he might be rough in the 1st half

BOBDUCK: but in the 2nd half

BOBDUCK: him and horseboy bout to bangstick like nem-but

PMAC: too bad diaw is legit

BOBDUCK: bout to be best frontcourt since wallace/wallace

BOBDUCK: darko is legit

BOBDUCK: but for different reasons

PMAC: i guess

BOBDUCK: that nukka diaw tight

BOBDUCK: he slasher and passer and shit

PMAC: yea

PMAC: he has a weird playing style tho

PMAC: na mean

BOBDUCK: darko is more top of the key j bones

BOBDUCK: tro, tro

BOBDUCK: diaw a guard in a 6'8" big man's body

BOBDUCK: he like tony parker if t parks was huge

PMAC: yea

BOBDUCK: they have a lot of the same skillset

BOBDUCK: but for some reason diaw can't play guard

BOBDUCK: maybe he's too slow?

BOBDUCK: you think the suns are going all the way?

PMAC: yup

PMAC: diaws just a tad too tall

BOBDUCK: he's only 6'8"

PMAC: and the suns dont need that form ho

BOBDUCK: the suns seem to create their own convention

PMAC: yea

BOBDUCK: but at this point it's fairly mundane

BOBDUCK: i think amare is gonna have an up and down year

BOBDUCK: if he's back by the playoffs though...

PMAC: i hope its all up

PMAC: he still has bounce

BOBDUCK: back like all the way

PMAC: ive been watching the preseason

PMAC: he averaged like 46 vs the mavs two years ago

PMAC: like no exageration

PMAC: over 6 games

BOBDUCK: dern

PMAC: he was DICKIN

BOBDUCK: achilles can fly

PMAC: capita D

PMAC: yep

BOBDUCK: but its that knee

PMAC: im not too worried

BOBDUCK: and he probably is a little out of place still

BOBDUCK: been away for a year

BOBDUCK: from the offense+defense i mean

PMAC: maybe

PMAC: but the suns will get to the playoffs wether hes there or not

PMAC: so he has 82 games to get back

BOBDUCK: oh, no doubt

PMAC: its not like their season rests on him

PMAC: which is nice

PMAC: like for kobe, no adjustment period allowed

PMAC: but i will say that jordan farmar is lookin pretty baller so far

BOBDUCK: that's what i hear

BOBDUCK: not too much optimism he'll take that shit from smush though

BOBDUCK: which is fairly tragic

PMAC: whatever

BOBDUCK: for all smush's magical bounciness, he is low-key bad

PMAC: at least when smush gets his usual 8 bangs + 89 turnovers, farmar will be a sold backup

BOBDUCK: yeah

PMAC: and turaif + bynum looking good too

BOBDUCK: if smush could get a j he would be better

PMAC: lakers squad actually looking low key nice

PMAC: i wont even lie

PMAC: smush actually cashes tres tho

BOBDUCK: laker squad looking aight only because of pjax

BOBDUCK: they're probably like 47 wins

BOBDUCK: maybe 50 if someone else steps the fuck up

PMAC: i actually say fiddy

PMAC: plus they got radmon

BOBDUCK: bynum needs to be good right quick

PMAC: another big thug

PMAC: wit a j

BOBDUCK: he's basically brian cook version 1.1

PMAC: turiaf still his usual too-amped-for saftey self

PMAC: admit brian cook is shit

PMAC: and cant dunk

BOBDUCK: brian cook can shoot some js

BOBDUCK: radman isn't that much better

PMAC: yea, but if he tries to bang hell get hurt

PMAC: radmon is nice

PMAC: he was killing in the playoff

PMAC: s

BOBDUCK: i guess

BOBDUCK: he should start over kwame

BOBDUCK: it should be

BOBDUCK: farmar+kobe+lamar+radman+mihm

PMAC: the lakers bench, no matter who starts, may be one of the best in the L

BOBDUCK: hmm

PMAC: no chance farmar starts

BOBDUCK: i would take some issue with that

BOBDUCK: i wish he would though

PMAC: think about it

BOBDUCK: the suns bench is nice

BOBDUCK: i guess the lakers have a good bench

BOBDUCK: but the mavs are better

PMAC: bench = farmar, bynum, kwame,

BOBDUCK: bynum kinda sucks still

PMAC: they dont have that thug tho

PMAC: the mavs

BOBDUCK: that bang just got you amped

PMAC: that guard

BOBDUCK: devin harris?

PMAC: not j how

PMAC: m

PMAC: the fake ass hair

BOBDUCK: marquis daniels

PMAC: marquis

PMAC: yea

BOBDUCK: he went to the pacers

PMAC: he was kinda tight

BOBDUCK: he's a favorite of mine

PMAC: yea

PMAC: hes underrated

PMAC: pacers bout to be good

PMAC: to bad they have 97 small forwards

BOBDUCK: brb after dinner

PMAC: ok

BOBDUCK: aight nukka

PMAC: i was looking at the pacers roster

PMAC: out of 18 players they have like 8 small forwards

PMAC: ridic

BOBDUCK: dern

BOBDUCK: link me

PMAC: PACERS: Pacers Roster

BOBDUCK: they have decent balance

BOBDUCK: i don't think they're all sfs

PMAC: i guess

BOBDUCK: harrington is more of a pf

PMAC: shawne will, stephen j, james white

BOBDUCK: how fearsome is their starting lineup gonna theoretically be

BOBDUCK: ?

BOBDUCK: j tins

PMAC: yea

BOBDUCK: quis

PMAC: a great vid game squad

PMAC: fa sho

PMAC: like the knicks

BOBDUCK: stejax

BOBDUCK: harrington

BOBDUCK: jermaine

PMAC: does james white have bounce in 2k7?

BOBDUCK: i ain't know

PMAC: cuz he went thru the legs from the free throw line

PMAC: so he should have 99

PMAC: cuz no one else can do that

BOBDUCK: i ain't checked yet

BOBDUCK: i ain't herd the name until now

PMAC: have u seen that dunk tho?

PMAC: oh

PMAC: ill link u up

PMAC: its INSANE

PMAC: in this vid he misses the thru the legs from free throw

PMAC: but i seen him make it in another one

BOBDUCK: aight

PMAC: i gotta find it